Lyrics

Part One

IT'S A HORRIBLE SHOW

(J.D. Putnam)

You’re familiar with the story, right?

How things can happen overnight?

The hapless geek, too unique, who

wakes up as a sideshow freak

It's a horrible show! It's a horrible show!

Trust me, you don't wanna know

It's a horrible show!

​

The classic -- with the ghastly setup

The actor -- in some plastic get-up

creeping 'round his habitat,

Now who would pay to witness that?

It's a horrible show! It's a horrible show!

Turn around!

(Turn around!)

Just go!

It's a horrible show

​

Don't you have it hard enough already?

Everything around you going down in flames

Somewhere up the street 

there's something fluffy, something sweet

Set your weary mind at ease

fortify your fantasies

with a wonderful show

such a wonderful show!

Tell your friends in Idaho

It’s a wonderful show

​

But as for this show?  This show???

​

Don’t put yourself in that family's place

the only documented case,

Father, mother, sister, too

Don’t ask yourself what you would do

Grit your teeth? Force a smile?

Tiptoe past the yellow bile?

Put your foot down, feel the crunch

Life is not the Brady Bunch

It's a horrible show! It’s a horrible show!

Unless you’re Edgar Allen Poe

You really must believe me, it’s a horrible show!

 

(Sylvia Plath is a bubble bath)

Dostoyevsky such a frolic

(Schopenhauer a happy hour)

Bukowski borderline bucolic  

Certainly the point is clear

Why the hell are you still here?

These disclaimers aren't enough?

You think you're made of sterner stuff???

​

Very well then, carry on

toward a dreadful denoument

Enter now, abandon hope

Descend this Freudian slippery slope...

​

​

​

SEIZE THE DAY

(Barry)

Don't scream.

It's only a dream, just a dream

And even though it seems i'm awake,

I'm asleep

Just not that deep.

 

Some obvious confusion,

There's truth and there's illusion --

I'm somewhere in the overlap an'

Things like this don't really happen

Even though it's seeming in this moment that they do

So let's slow down

And think this through...

 

What is life?

What is real?

I know it’s just a dream but a dream i can't shake,

I'm awake, it would seem,

And my room looks the same from what i can tell

In the dark, i can see

That whatever this is it's supposed to be me

When's my train? Look at this.

There used to be a watch on my wrist.

 

But no wrist

Only this,

Skinny legs, i count six,

Skinny legs, nothing new,

They're hairy and disgusting,

Yes, they're even more disgusting than my legs,

There were two--

There were only two before and now my mother's at the door, what to do?

What to do?

Go back to sleep and pray it's not true? (correct lyric)

No you don't!

Use your head.

First thing to do, try to get out of bed.

Seize the day!

Back on track!

I just wish i didn't sleep on my back...

Seize the day!

I can flip

I can rock side to side, i can wriggle and twist

It's okay, it’s all great,

If i could make the 7:10 i wouldn’t be all that late

It's okay! Find a way!

Seize the day! Seize the day!

Seize the day!

 

 

IF HE LOSES THIS JOB

(Herman, Ruthie, Malloy)​​

Herman

What’s going on?

 

Ruthie

This isn’t like Barry! It’s 7:05!

 

Herman

Bang on the door!

 

Ruthie

Already i banged!

 

Herman

Then bang some more!

If he loses this job!!!

 

Ruthie

He locks his door.

 

Herman

Of course he does!

 

Ruthie

What’s that s’posed to mean?

 

Herman

Whaddaya think?

 

Ruthie

I don’t know what to think!

 

Herman

Here’s what to think:

If he loses this job!!!

Who knows what they think of him there?

Those mainline types with their Brylcream hair

 

Ruthie

He won’t lose his job, he’s kept it six months

 

Herman

Like Barry should do something right for once?

 

Ruthie

You don’t need to zorg!

 

Herman

Remember it's Barry!

 

Ruthie

Do we have another son?

 

Herman

Oy, just this one!

 

Ruthie

Why won’t he answer?

 

Herman

This better be good!

 

Ruthie

He does all he can!

 

Herman

If only he could!

 

Ruthie

Herman, don’t be a schlegger!

 

Herman

If he loses this job you’ll call me a beggar!

And call yourself, too, and poor little Greta!

Open the door, you furshluginner lout!

 

Greta

What’s all this shouting about?

 

Ruthie

Go back to bed! Just go back to bed!

 

Greta

What?

 

Herman

Barry lost his job is what she said!

 

Ruthie

Barry lost nothing! Get ready for school.

 

Greta

There’s somebody here.

​

Donald Malloy

I'm here in regard to Barry Schleckman

Junior adjuster at Wilson and Kress

We attempted to call, but couldn't get through

I was sent by the boss to the listed address

 

Perhaps it's best to address him directly

Correct to assume that this is his door?

Mr. Schleckman, it's donald Malloy from the office

If you'll open right now we'll avoid any more...

You were nearly an hour ago due at your desk

I need not remind you that your work is in arrears

Plus a troubling omission and you're not above suspicion.

Mr. Schleckman...?

 

Herman

If he loses this job!!!

 

Donald Malloy

Mr. Schleckman!

 

Ruthie

If he loses this job!!!

 

Donald Malloy

Mr. Schleckman!!!

 

Ruthie and Herman

If he loses this job!!!

​

​

I WANTED SO BADLY TO CHANGE

(Barry)

​

Some things come... without warning

This has been... an eventful morning

Hear them rage... and sob

Their only son... has lost his job

Their only son... in such a twist

I’m just relieved... they noticed this

​

From the start

I was keenly aware of the areas where i depart

From whatever it is that makes someone

Attractive or smart

People thought i was strange

And i wanted so badly

I wanted so badly to change

 

I hung from a pipe in the basement to try to get taller

Looked straight ahead so my nose would look smaller

Read those biographies, lives of the greats

I dreamed of a life that included dates

I opened my heart up to Tina McTeague

Out of this world and out of my league

Did Benjamin Franklin or Theodore Roosevelt

Crumble beneath all the blows they felt?

No!

They kept pushing on!

They made themselves better

They made themselves strong

 

I answered the ad on the back page of Captain America

Build up my body and with it my character

All of that grunting and groaning and sweat

Left me skinny and sore and six dollars in debt

To my sister so brainy and talented

I got the zeroes and zits by the gallon, did

Lewis and Clark say it's too far to go?

Did Moses just quit when the Pharaoh said no?

No!

They didn’t give in

They weren’t gonna lose

If they didn’t quite win

 

From the start

There was always the tiniest whisper i heard in my heart

It said somewhere beneath all this scrawl

Is a small work of art

Is that really so strange?

I wanted so badly

I wanted so badly to change

​​

​​

PLAGUES

(Herman, Ruthie, Greta)

​​

Herman

Oh my god, he’s a goddam cockroach!

 

Ruthie

No, he’s not! No, he’s not!

 

Herman

Oh my god, he’s a goddam cockroach!

 

Ruthie

Don’t talk that way about our son!

 

Herman

Then what would you call it?  What would you call it?

 

Ruthie

I’d say it’s more like a beetle!  More like a beetle!

 

Herman

So a beetle is better???  A beetle is better???

 

Ruthie

It’s better than a goddamn cockroach!!!

 

Herman and Ruthie

Blood and lice and frogs and flies

Pestilence and boils and hail

You hear about it every Seder

Where is that emancipator?

What the hell happened to the first-born male???

 

Greta

How can it be?

 

Ruthie

You finish getting ready for school.

 

Greta

How can it be?

 

Herman

Remember it’s Barry.

 

Greta

We didn’t just see...

 

Ruthie

And don’t forget the lunch i packed you.

 

Greta

How can it be?

 

Herman

You listen to your mother.

 

Greta

How can anyone begin to explain...?

 

Herman

You need to get out the door right this minute or you’ll be late for school!

 

Greta

I’m not goin’ to school!

 

Herman

Don’t gimme that.

 

Greta

I’m not goin’ to school!

 

Ruthie

What? What are you talking about?

 

Greta

I’m not goin’ to school!

 

Ruthie

Oh yes you are!

 

Herman and Ruthie

Since when do you not go to school?

 

Greta

Since my brother is a goddamn cockroach!

 

Herman, Ruthie,Greta

Blood and lice and frogs and flies

Pestilence and and boils and hail

You hear about it every seder

Where is that emancipator?

What the hell happened to the first-born male???

 

 

CITY DEPT.

(Agents)

​

We're from the city department

We received a report

We’re the ones who ask the questions.

Best to speak inside.

 

We're from the city department

We'd like to look around

We're the ones who ask the questions.

A quick look around, around inside

Nothing to fear if there's nothing to hide

 

Herman

Can you tell us what this is about?

 

Agents

What’s it about?

 

Herman

Yeah, wh-- can you tell me--

 

Agents

What’s it about?

 

Herman

What is it about???

 

Agents

It's about to get sticky for you, Donald Malloy

It's about to get sticky for you, Donald Malloy!

Yes it is, yes, yes it is!

If you care to look there, and there, and there

Donald Malloy!!

 

Herman

My name is Herman Schleckman, Herman Alan Schleckman! I don’t see why--

 

Agents

And this is apartment six?

 

Herman

Yes...

 

Ruthie

Uh-huh...

 

Herman

It is...

 

Agents

2232 Downington Boulevard

 

Herman

Yes...

​

Agents

Yet you say you’re not Donald Malloy

 

Herman

No, no, I’m not, i don’t see why you--

 

Agent one

Let’s come clean!

 

Agent two

We’re not so green!

 

Agents

We’ve seen every trick, very scheme

Every ploy, every plot

 

Ruthie

But he’s totally not!

 

Agent one

You insist on saying you’re not.

 

Agent two

Maybe he’s not...

 

Agents

Then you're guilty of filing a false report

For Donald Malloy

A false report is a serious crime, Donald Malloy!

 

Agent one

It’s crystal clear

 

Agent two

He said with a sneer

 

Agent one

It’s his address!

 

Agent two

And you’re living here!

 

Agents

And living a lie, duplicitous guy, who says he’s not Donald Malloy!

 

What the hell did you do with Donald Malloy?

Guy who claims he's not Donald Malloy

Every scheme, every plot, every ploy!

 

Greta

Daddy? Who are these people?

 

Agents

We're from the City Department

Daughter of Donald Malloy

Or sweet and innocent spawn,

Of the terrible man who’s gone

And done in Donald Malloy.

 

Greta

What are you talking about?

 

Agents

We’re the ones who ask the questions.

 

Greta

I assume you have a warrant. That’s not a question.

 

Agents

A quick look around, around inside

Nothing to fear if there’s nothing to hide

​

Greta

You can’t be in here without a warrant.

 

Agents

You haven’t seen the end of this

 

Agent one

Mark my word!

 

Agents

Believe me, you can depend on this!

 

Agent two

Mark his word!

 

Agents

You keep your pretty noses clean

Deceptive wife and arrogant teen

And the guy who's either Donald Malloy

Or the liar who says he's not Donald Malloy

Or the man who totally brutally murdered Donald Malloy!!!

Donald Malloy!

Donald Malloy!

We’ll be back.

​

​

​

Part Two

 

IF ONLY YOU COULD HEAR ME

(Greta, Barry)

​

Greta

Sorry, i don’t mean to be so queasy

You know me, i always startle easily

You can stay right there

Stay right there

I understand

You don’t want me to see you

Like this

So i’ll just set this down

I hope you like this

 

If only you could hear me

 

Barry

But... but...

 

Greta

What I uess i’d say...

 

Barry

But I can! I can hear you!

 

Greta

Although it isn’t great

To see you in this state

We’re okay

If only you could hear me

 

Barry

I can hear you!

 

Greta

But of course how could you?

 

Barry

But you can’t hear me.

 

Greta

Look what you’ve become...

How could you?

 

Barry

That job had? I did the best i could at it

 

Greta

I hope you know I always did my best for you

 

Barry

I hated it, but I was kinda getting good at it

 

Greta

Loaned you money, I even took that test for you

 

Barry

I overheard somebody say, I was gonna get a raise

 

Greta

Daddy hasn’t worked since spring

 

Barry

And I had something big to tell you... in just a coupla days

 

Greta

And mom, she can’t do anything

 

Barry

Your violin...

 

Greta

And you...

​

Barry

You always played so sweetly

 

Greta

Just look at you

 

Barry

And I had this plan, to surprise you all completely

 

Greta

Who knows what we’re gonna do?

 

Barry

I’d stand up at the table, and say you’d better practice really hard

 

Greta

It’s all so hard

 

Barry

'cause your big brother...

​

Greta

Look what you’ve become

 

Barry

...is sending you to Juilliard!

Sending you to Juilliard!

 

Barry and Greta

If only you could hear me

But of course you can’t

And even if you could

It would do no good

You’d never understand

 

 

WE'RE A FAMILY

(Herman, Ruthie, Greta)

​

Herman

Your mother and i have come up with some answers

 

Ruthie

Remember dear, it’s only temporary

 

Herman

In regard to present circumstances

 

Ruthie

By which he means… our Barry

 

Herman

Due to our finances, some changes are in order.

 

Ruthie

Pretty soon our old life will resume, dear

 

Herman

We need to do some work so we can take in a boarder.

 

Ruthie

So we’ll move the sofa to the extra room, dear.

 

Greta

Who wants to sleep on a sofa? And it won’t be very private!

 

Herman

We’ll put a curtain up to make a door

 

Ruthie

It’s what we need to do, dear

 

Herman

I promise you’ll survive it

 

Greta

You’re renting out my room???

 

Herman and Ruthie

Your mom and daddy couldn’t love you more...

But we’re a family, and families work together

We’re a family, we do what families do

In a time of crisis

We all make sacrifices!

 

Ruthie

By the way...

I talked to Sheila’s cousin who’s a doctor...

 

Herman

What?

 

Greta

Who?

 

Ruthie

I passed him on the street just today

 

Herman

Sheila’s loser cousin is a doctor? That guy?

 

Ruthie

I told him Barry’s changed... in a most concerning way.

 

Greta

You’re joking.

 

Herman

Oh my god, don’t say he’s coming over.

 

Ruthie

No, he said he had to move a sofa.

 

Herman

Did he tell you anything?

 

Ruthie

All he did was laugh and shrug

Said it’s prob’ly just a bug

 

Herman

Are you making a joke? Do you think that he knows?

 

Ruthie

Honey, you’re just zorging again.

 

Herman

Well, since our little hooligan

Is finally back in school again

Maybe she’s been blabbing to her friends!

 

Greta

Who would I tell? My god, I’d sooner die!

 

Herman

So good, it's understood! It’s stays between the both of yous and I.

 

Herman and Ruthie

We’re a family and families keep their secrets,

We’re a family, we do what must be done

 

Herman

Your mom’ll take in sewing

 

Ruthie

And your father here is going…

 

Herman

To look for work that’s not a risk

To my leaky valve and bulging disc 

 

Ruthie

A cleaning lady’s coming in on Sunday

To spruce things up a little and prepare

 

Herman

We’ll all go for a drive in the country

 

Ruthie

We all could use some nice fresh air

 

Greta

I am not leaving my room!

 

Herman

After that we’ll move some stuff around

 

Ruthie

We’ll put a curtain, we won’t hear a sound

 

Greta

It’s not fair!

 

Herman

Sorry if we happen to impose on you

Bear in mind, my dear, who puts the clothes on you

 

Herman and Ruthie

We’re a family, and families work together

 

Greta

They’re not using my dresser!

 

Herman and Ruthie

We’re a family, we do what families do

 

Greta

Or my double bed!

 

Herman and Ruthie

In a time of crisis

 

Greta

Oh, Christ!

 

Herman and Ruthie

We all make sacrifices!

 

Greta

What kind of sacrifices are you---

 

Herman

Young lady! You are being a real brat.

 

Greta

“Real”? Did you just say, “real”?

​

Real? What’s real in this place?

With the fake plastic flowers in the fake china vase?

And the fake leather sofa and your fake mink stole

And this fake wooden fruit in this fake silver bowl

And the two fake parents with their two fake smiles

And the lie that they try to maintain...

While everything goes insane!

​

 

NACHAS!

(Herman, Ruthie)

 

Ruthie

The sleepless nights!

 

Herman

The dirty diapers

 

Ruthie

Runny noses!

 

Herman

Pickers!

 

Ruthie

Wipers!

 

Ruthie and Herman

Clothing that’s too small before you know it!

 

Herman

Food they won’t eat

 

Ruthie

But they’re happy to throw it!

If I had a genie and got three wishes, I'd say--

 

Ruthie and Herman

Give me four hands for those two little pishers!

Nachas? Just a little nachas?

 

Herman

Then they’re in their teens

 

Ruthie

Slaves to every fashion

 

Herman

Under the spell of some meshugana--

 

Herman and Ruthie

--flash in the pan

 

Ruthie

Some greased-up gyrating fool

 

Herman

One year I even paid for private school!

 

Ruthie and Herman

Year in year out, ya never get a day off

It’s all for love

But you want a little payoff

Where does it say it’s a sin

Where does it say it’s a sin

To get a little out of what you put in?

Nachas!

 

Ruthie

Trudy Cohen's son and his SATs

 

Herman

The Fiinkelburger twins got into Penn!

 

Ruthie

And that kid of Bernies Lesser's made a million

 

Herman

Selling tongue depressors!

 

Herman

Little Marvin Arlen--

 

Ruthie and Herman

--is a hotshot at the U.N.!

 

Herman

Barry showed promise!

 

Ruthie

All his teachers said it

 

Herman

But each time he’d bomb his exams--

 

Ruthie

Gve him credit! He’d stay up a little later---

 

Herman

---grind a little harder--

 

Ruthie

It only made him sleepier 

 

Herman

 Never any smarter

 

Ruthie

And Greta...

 

Herman

Little Greta...

 

Ruthie and Herman

From the day she was born she was always so much bettuh

 

Herman

Now every other minute it’s a tantrum or a tiff

 

Ruthie

Our sweet little angel--

 

Ruthie and Herman

Fell off a cliff

 

Herman

In this difficult time -- she should do like she should!

 

Ruthie

But compared to her brother...

 

Herman and Ruthie

She’s still lookin’ pretty good.

 

Ruthie and Herman

Year in year out, ya never get a day off

It’s all for love

But you want a little payoff

Where does it say it’s a sin?

Where does it say it’s a sin?

To get a little out of what you put in?

 

Ruthie

Is it so much to ask?

​

​

THE POWER OF POSITIVE THINKING

(Barry)

​

There are Catholics who swear that statues can cry, right?

Certain Hindus insist that gurus can fly, right?

Is it really meshuga to wonder if i might

Turn into a bug through some undiscovered principle

And then turn back?

Put my family through hell, when i meant to do so well,

But somehow in the process find something I lack?

 

The power of positive thinking

I’m thinking it’s the only way to go

Saying “yes!”… And not “but…”

Saying the glass is half full

Never asking full of what...

 

There are things so great or small that we can’t see, right?

If the Universe made sense, it wouldn’t be, right?

Just emptiness and silence, we agree, right?

And yet it’s filled with everything,

More than we could possibly begin to know

If it’s strange what I’ve become

In the bigger picture, it’s pretty much the way things go

 

The power of positive thinking

Never shrinking from the challenge of the day

Peering through the prism

Of anti-pessimism

Remembering that silver looks a lot like gray

The power of positive thinking

Winking in the eye of the storm

That hurricane’ll fizzle

To just a breeze and drizzle

And pretty soon we’ll all be safe and warm

 

Everyone’s heard that Moses parted the sea, right?

And everyone’s sure that that couldn’t really be, right?

And yet somehow all those slaves got free, right?

That’ll happen to me, right?

​

​

WE'RE A FAMILY (reprise)

(Ruthie, Greta)

 

Ruthie

This won’t take too long, I hope?

 

Greta

Nope.

 

Ruthie

All we need’s his dresser and a chair

 

Greta

We should move out more, clear some space

Give him room in there

 

Ruthie

Give him room for what? I thought you said he hides under the bed.

 

Greta

Only when I’m there, is what I said

I walked in once and found him on the ceiling

It’s not appealing.

 

Ruthie

My god, enough already!

Please don’t make me picture it!

 

Greta

What I’m saying, it’s almost like

He’s trying to be considerate

I like to knock and give him time to hide

​

 

Ruthie

First time I saw him, you know I nearly died

​

 

Greta

Ok, c’mon let’s grab this, take one side

 

Ruthie

I don’t think I could bear to see again

 

Greta

We’ll come back for the desk,

The nightstand and the lamp

 

Ruthie

Cuz he’ll never be who he used to be again?

He’ll just crawl around, up and down, up and down?

How can we give up on him so soon?

We’re a family and families stick together!

 

Greta

We’re a family, we do what families do

We need to think of how

To make it better now

Can we talk about it once we clear the room?

 

Ruthie

Oy, this thing is heavy.​

 

Greta

The rest will be easy.

 

Ruthie

Well, it’s easy for your father and his back!

 

Greta

You get on this side, I can push, you just guide

 

Ruthie

The very thought of work gives him a heart attack!

 

Greta

We’ll just be gone two seconds, why don’t you leave that on?

 

Ruthie

When the bill’s in your name you can do what you want.

 

Ruthie

Just the chair and then we’re through

 

Greta

Mom!

 

Ruthie

You just want the rest for you!

 

Greta

That’s not true!!!

You don’t seem to understand that---

​

​

Part Three

​

DOO-WOP CHORUS

Aye... Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi

What happened to that guy?

What happened to that guy?

​Doo... wop-wop-wop-wop-wop

His mother and his pop

When's it gonna stop?

When's it gonna stop?

​

FOR A REASON

(Ruthie, Herman)

 

Ruthie

Maybe this will pass

Like a fever, like a storm

Like the gigantic tumor my first cousin norm

Had on the side of his face

Then he had it removed

Now there's hardly a trace

And just to show

Things can go

To better from worse:

He married his cute little biopsy nurse!

 

Don’t they say... things happen for a reason?

Don’t they say...there’s a time for every season?

One thing leads to one more thing

Let’s see what good the bad can bring

What if everything... happens for a reason?

 

Herman

Oh, right. That thing in there -- it’s just so perfect.

 

Ruthie

But maybe this will pass

Fade away, tomorrow from today

Like the job that you had selling office supplies

Where you never made quota and mr. Van nuys

Threw your sample book out in the street

 

Herman

Oy, Third and St. Clair. There were paper clips everywhere.

 

Ruthie

But what would life be without valleys and peaks?

Remember in only a couple of weeks

Who was the handsome new hire

Of a competing supplier?

 

Herman

Yeah, they say... things happen for a reason

Yeah, they say... the moon is made of cheese an’

Tiny elves make shiny toys

For all the happy girls and boys

Water’s dry and pigs can fly

And there’s a bridge that you can buy!

 

Ruthie

One thing leads to one more thing

 

Herman

And what the hell will that thing bring?

 

Ruthie

That’s my point, you just can’t say!

 

Herman

So don’t say it’ll be okay! I didn’t marry Doris Day!

 

Ruthie

So tell me, Herman. Who did you marry?

 

Herman

 

What a thing to ask

To say

Like I’d forget the day

The 17 bus and the girl that I saw

With the red curly hair and the strap of her bra

Peeking from under her blouse

The day a pipe burst and flooded our house

And my dad sent me down to Pennypack Square

To look for a plumber who wouldn’t be there

But on the way home I saw a girl and asked her name

And nothing was ever the same

 

Herman and Ruthie

Don’t they say... things happen for a reason?

Don’t they say...there’s a time for every season?

 

Ruthie

Who can say what’s right or not?

 

Herman

Let’s keep any hope we’ve got

 

Ruthie

Can’t hurt anyhow

 

Herman

So at least for now

Herman and Ruthie

Maybe everything happens for a reason.

 

 

 

SWING HIGH, SWING LOW

(Rosaline, Barry)

 

Rosaline

Hey, don't think I don't see you there

Peekin' out under there

That's a big bug right there!

It's okay,

You can come near me, friend

I know you can hear me, friend

I can see clearly, friend

I can see you

Got a case of the voodoo

 

Barry

What???

 

Rosaline

What the hell did you do?

 

Barry

I don’t know!!!

 

Rosaline

You better pray to Babalu Ayé

 

Barry

Who?

 

Rosaline

Find the reason why-a

Pray his heart will soften

This kinda thing don’t happen often

 

Barry

Can you hear me when I speak?

 

Rosaline

What? Come again?

 

Barry

Can you hear me when I speak?

 

Rosaline

Little bit, but it comes out weak. Speak up!

 

Barry

Do you know what happened to me?

 

Rosaline

That’s the mystery!

 

Barry

Is it voodoo from Haiti?

 

Rosaline

Hey, I’m just the cleaning lady.

But I can tell you more...

You help me mop this floor

 

It’s okay, I gotcha! Are you ready to dance...?

 

La cucaracha! La cucaracha! La cucaracha, uh-huh!

La cucaracha! La cucaracha! La cucaracha, uh-huh!

 

Swing high, swing low

Hold on tight, then let go

If you fall, it’s more you know

So step right up for the high-ho!

Three big rings and a side show!

 

Barry

Who exactly are you?

 

Rosaline

Once, I was a trapeze acrobat

Had a baby and got fat

Told fortunes after that

“sister Rosaline sees all!

See you in my crystal ball!”

Now I clean your toilet stall

Pride go, before the fall!

 

Barry

But I wasn’t proud!

 

Rosaline

Swing low, swing high

Everywhere, earth and sky

Look at all, one ticket buy

So step right up for the high-ho

Three big rings and a side show

You sing with me!

 

Barry and Rosaline

Swing hi, swing low

Travel where, you’re life will go

In the end, you still don’t know...

La cucaracha! La cucaracha! La cucaracha, uh-huh!

La cucaracha! La cucaracha! La cucaracha, uh-huh!

 

CALM DOWN

(Ruthie, Herman, Greta)

 

Herman

What’s going on?

 

Ruthie

Barry’s door was open!

 

Greta

She means unlocked.

 

Herman

You left the door open?!?

 

Ruthie

I didn’t leave it open!

 

Herman

Well someone left it open!!!

 

Greta

Would you both calm down???

 

Ruthie

I can’t find the key!

 

Herman

Well, where did you put it?

 

Ruthie

Hanging by the door!

 

Herman

That’s where you put it?!?!

 

Ruthie

I put it where I put it

The cleaning lady took it!

 

Greta

Would you both calm down???

 

Ruthie

9:45! 9:45! That’s when the fancy boarders arrive!

 

Greta

We need to call a locksmith.

 

Ruthie

Herman, call a locksmith!

 

Herman

Not on a sunday, they’ll eat us alive!

 

Ruthie

Do you think she was snooping around?

 

Herman

Even if she saw, it wouldn’t be a shock

They got bigger bedbugs her side of town

 

Ruthie

But what if she tells?

 

Herman

Who would she tell?

 

Ruthie

Run to the papers with a story to sell!

 

Herman

Run to the papers! Like she can even read!

 

Ruthie

Hands to heaven

On top of all this, this I need?

 

Herman

First thing in the morning!

 

Ruthie

First thing in the morning!

 

Herman

As early as humanly possible!

 

Ruthie

I sure hope these boarders are responsible.

 

THE POWER OF POSITIVE THINKING (reprise)

(Barry)

 

Well I know… how to climb a wall now

I can go… up above them all now

So I don’t … need to be so tall now

I’ve got half a dozen feet, with stickum on the bottom

And my body’s light

When I’m looking at the floor from up above the door

Maybe you could call that height

​

The power of positive thinking

I’m thinking there’s some power in it still

If I can just… hold on

And look at what’s here

And not what’s gone…

​

I can go a long time with nothing to eat or drink now

I have zero problem… with things that stink now

I could almost say it’s better than you’d think now

And after mom passed out and I got out and had a bout…

With my father’s shoe

One side of me was twisted, I was dripping yellow liquid

But by morning I was good as new

 

The power of positive thinking

If it fits then you should wear it, don’t they say?

Even if the new shoe

Takes some getting used to

What the hell, it’s not like I don’t have all day...

​

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